Christmas Trees & Paper Snowflakes
by MantaI-305Apollo'sChariot
Summary: Nine-year-old Elsa wants a Christmas tree in her room, but it's not working out right. And she makes paper snowflakes intended for Anna, but those don't get to their intended recipient either. Or did they? (One-shot of Elsa's first Christmas after the accident. Canon-compliant.) COMPLETE


**A/N: One of the events here is referenced in chapter 26 of 'Secret Passages', but this story can stand on its own, too.:)**

**On to the story!:)**

Nine-year-old Elsa knelt on the window seat in her room, watching her little sister play by herself in the castle courtyard below in the falling snow. _I wish I could play outside, too. And I miss Anna! She's gonna hate me for ignoring her for months and months. _"Anna's not even six yet, not 'til tomorrow. All she knows is me telling her to go away all the time," Elsa whispered. _I can't _see_ Anna, but I could still make her a present!_ Elsa smiled a bit and hopped off the window seat in search of scissors and paper and whatever other creative supplies she had in her room.

Elsa sat cross-legged on her bed and began carefully folding a sheet of paper, then snipping tiny pieces off with the scissors. When she unfolded the paper, there was a pretty snowflake left over. She had figured out the plain white paper = fancy snowflake trick a long while ago. Shortly before the accident, Elsa had been trying to teach Anna how to make them herself, but while Anna loved the ones Elsa made, she didn't have the patience to sit still long enough to make any. _I'll make a whole bunch for Anna and stick them under the door next time she knocks. I know she'll like them, and at least she'll know I don't hate her._ Soon Elsa had a small collection of paper snowflakes, none of them identical.

Elsa heard a knock on her door, noting that it was not her little sister, so she asked, "Who is it?"

"It's your father, Elsa. Did you finish your lessons for today?"

Elsa ran over to the door and opened it a crack. "I did all my math problems, but I didn't finish studying the history or government stuff," she replied honestly. "I'm working on something _really_ important! May I pretty please finish the other things later?"_ Please? I just want to make Anna something nice. And okay, I don't particularly like history or government stuff very much. What's the big deal anyway? When I become queen when I'm a grownup, I'll have absolute authority anyhow, so I can make whatever decisions I want…right?_

"What are you working on that is so important?"

"Those!" Elsa said proudly, opening her door all the way and pointing at the snowflakes she had cut out all over the bed. Okay, and lots of tiny scraps of paper. _Oops. I need to clean all that up…_

"You've been making snowflakes?! Why is that so important? Elsa, you shouldn't make those…you'll send yourself out of control again."

"But I'm okay right now, really! The gloves keep the ice from leaking out, see?" Elsa pressed one hand flat against the wall to prove her point. "No ice…the trouble's when I try to touch something _without_-Papa, no! Please! Don't throw them out!" The little girl grabbed for the paper snowflakes, but it was too late. _I saved one, but…why?! Why can't I just make something nice for Anna without getting in trouble? _"They were f-for Anna…for her birthday…" Elsa said softly, her big blue eyes filling with tears. _No, no, no! No snowflakes, Elsa! Conceal, don't feel._

"Elsa, you're making it snow right now. This just proves it. You can't make paper snowflakes. You do want to fix the ice problem, right?"

Elsa slowly nodded, but she didn't say anything. _But I don't think I'd be upset right this second if all the paper snowflakes didn't get all crunched up. I wanted to make something pretty for Anna._

"And you cannot have any contact with Anna. It isn't safe, Elsa."

"I was just going to push the paper snowflakes under the door," Elsa replied, looking down at the one paper snowflake in her hand she had managed to save. _Please? I miss Anna so much. I know I can't play with her, but at least she would know I'm not mad at her or anything._ "Anna's going t-to hate me 'cause she's gonna think I'm mad at her."

"Anna just thinks you're sick. She doesn't hate you."

Elsa frowned. _Anna thinks I'm sick? I never told her that…_ "Papa, I'm not sick. Please don't lie to Anna just because I'm…messed up…please." _Well, I guess out of control ice magic is sort of like being sick…but permanently. Maybe Mama and Papa could find some way to fix me so I can be with Anna safely. If I was normal, then I wouldn't hurt Anna again._ "Are you going to find a way to fix me?" she asked hopefully.

"We're trying, Elsa. In the meantime, just do your best to control it."

_But my best is never good enough… _"I'll try," Elsa replied after a pause. "May I please, please, please give Anna something for her birthday? I won't even open the door. I'll just push the present under the door and say, 'Happy birthday, Anna! I miss you.' That's it."

"Elsa, you can't. You'll be inviting your sister to ask questions about what is going on and why. Then what are you going to say?"

"'I'm sorry, I can't tell you' or something, I suppose," Elsa offered. _What would Anna think if she knew I hurt her? I didn't do it on purpose, but it still happened…because of me._

"The topic is closed. I don't want to hear any more about it. Is that clear?"

Elsa bit her lip, determined not to cry. "Crystal." _Is it really so wrong for me to want to just give my little sister something? Maybe it is…I hurt Anna… _The second her father was out of the room, Elsa ran and locked the door. She glanced at the paper snowflake still clutched in one fist. "I shouldn't have made those for Anna. I _hurt_ her 'cause of ice and snow!" _I _am_ messed up. Why did I do that? Why am I so stupid?_ Elsa crunched the paper snowflake into a ball, opened her door a crack, and threw it out into the hall. _I don't want to see it anymore. _"I'm sorry, Anna," she whispered. "Really, really sorry." _I can't fix this. I'm just a little kid. If Mama and Papa can just find a way to fix me, everything'll be okay again._

Elsa crawled under her bed and curled into a ball before finally letting herself cry.

* * *

The next morning, Elsa heard a familiar knock on her door. _Hi, Anna. Happy birthday, even though I can't tell you so._

"I'm six now, Elsa! C'n you come out and play today 'cause it's my birthday? I miss you," Anna said. "Do you wanna build a snowman? There's lotsa snow outside now!"

"Go away, Anna…please," Elsa replied, scrunching her eyes shut, willing herself not to lose control again. _Conceal, don't feel._

Out in the hall, Anna frowned. Elsa _always_ told her to go away (or said absolutely nothing), but today she actually sounded a little upset to Anna's ears. _If Elsa's sick, maybe she just feels extra yucky today._ "I want you to feel better soon, Elsa! Me misses you tons and I don' like to think of you being sick for so long. Are you gonna get better?"

_I want me to feel better soon, too. I miss you too, Anna. And I have no idea if I can be fixed. Maybe? _Elsa was listening to Anna's every word, but she didn't reply.

"Oh, so yeah, Christmas is gonna get here soon! Are you gonna be able to come out and put tinsel and stuff on the tree? If you, like, really really don't feel good, you could just lay on the sofa or somethin'. Y'know, since the tree's in the liberry. I'd sit with you. I don't like sittin' still, but I would if it meant I got to be with you…Elsa? Elsa, are you list'nin'?" Anna stopped rambling for a moment, hoping her big sister would reply.

Elsa crawled under her bed again and clapped her hands over her ears. _Anna, please go away. I can't listen anymore right now._ Several minutes passed before Elsa hesitantly took her hands away from her ears. Only silence greeted her. _Thank you, Anna. Please come back later._ Elsa decided she wanted to stay where she was a bit longer. For some reason, the small space under her bed was like a kind of escape to her; it was always dark, it never changed, and she didn't have to look at her gloved hands or any power mistakes she ended up making. Elsa knew she was going to get too big to fit under there eventually-it was already a tight fit for her, but at the moment, it was something she liked to do. _Make it like I disappear, kind of, too. Except I don't really want to disappear. I just want Anna back._

* * *

Later that afternoon, Elsa mulled over part of what Anna had said to her earlier. _I can't go over to the library and see the tree, but maybe I could have one in here. A little teeny one, maybe? I'm gonna ask! _Elsa made sure to finish _all_ of her lesson things for the day. That way there couldn't be any excuse that she had been bad and didn't follow through with what she was supposed to do. She ran into the bathroom and started talking to her reflection. "I just wanted to know if-no, no, that's no good…Papa, since I can't leave my room, could I please-no, that's no good either…" Elsa sighed and clasped her hands behind her back. "May I please have a little Christmas tree in my room?" _That'll work. Simple and everything and it's still polite. Okay._

Elsa went back to the window seat and gazed outside. For some reason, she still loved watching the natural snow outside, even if she wished her own abilities didn't exist. _I wonder if it'd be okay to touch the snow outside on the windowsill. If I do mess up, it's not like anyone will be able to see it. _Without thinking about it any longer, she opened the window and then slipped off one glove before hesitantly reaching her bare hand outside. _I can't exactly feel the temperature…I could before the accident, though. I still like the texture of the snow, though. _It felt smooth and crunchy under her palm. Elsa abruptly jerked her hand back inside when she realized there was now a layer of ice on top of the snow outside. _Oops. I shouldn't have done that. I can't touch anything without messing up._ "I hate this," she muttered to no one, and yanked her glove back on and slammed the window shut again. _I gotta either figure out how to control it or Mama and Papa have to figure out how to fix me. One or the other, I don't care. I just want Anna back._

* * *

The second Elsa heard footsteps coming down the hall, she ran over to the door. After all those months in her room, she was becoming very good at deciphering whose footsteps were whose from out in the hall. Elsa was fairly sure these were her father's. _I'm gonna ask for a tree! Papa, please say yes! _Elsa bounced on her toes a bit, actually feeling almost excited for once. Sure enough, a moment later she heard her father asking her to please open the door so he could look over her lessons for the day. Elsa unlocked the door and opened it a bit before moving away from the door. "It's open."

"Elsa, did you finish your lessons for today?"

"Yes, I did…Papa, may I ask you something? Pretty please?" Elsa asked. _Yep, all the lessons are done…I even did the boring stuff. I want a tree!_

"Wait a minute, please."

Elsa flopped down on her bed, lying on her tummy. _Hurry up and finish correcting that stuff, Papa! I want to ask you something!_ She absentmindedly chewed on the end of her platinum braid for a moment before flicking it back behind her. _Seriously, Elsa?! What were you doing that for? That's icky._ "What's Anna doing right now?" she asked a minute later.

"Probably fussing for permission to try sliding down the banister. Elsa, all of your work is correct. Good job. Now what is it you wanted?"

_All my lessons stuff is right! Papa said I did a good job on something for once!_ Elsa thought happily. Now would be the perfect time to ask for what she wanted. Elsa hopped off the bed and stood with her hands clasped behind her back. "May I please have a little Christmas tree in my room?" she asked hopefully. _Pretty please?_

"Why, Elsa?"

Elsa's hopeful smile faded. "Because I…just do…and I can't go see the one in the library…" _I'm going to get a 'no'. I just know it._

"Did Anna tell you the tree was in the library?"

"Well, yes, but I would have guessed that anyway! Y'know, since it was in there for all the Christmases I remember from before!" Elsa's careful politeness faded a little now that she was sure the final ruling would be 'no'. _Why?! Why can't I have a tree in here? I've been good. Well, mostly…except for those ice mistakes. But I can't help that!_

"Anna isn't having a tree in her room, either."

_So it is a no. I knew it._ "But Anna can go see the one in the library, Papa. I can't. I'll stay in here and be good. I just…want a tree…" Elsa's quiet voice trailed off and she didn't say anything more. There was no point. _I shan't beg and act like a baby. I won't._

"Christmas trees make messes. They shed their needles everywhere. Elsa, you cannot have a tree in your room. One tree in the castle is enough. You don't need a thing like that in here. It probably wouldn't last long, anyway. You need to learn how to control your ice problem."

"I'm _trying_, Papa! It just…happens; I can't help it! It's my fault Anna got hurt, but it's NOT my fault I'm messed up!" Elsa forced herself to stop her almost-shouting, realizing frost was spreading under her feet. _Conceal, don't feel. Don't let it show. This is not helping anything._

"Calm down, Elsa. You're losing control right now."

_I know that. I'm trying to calm down. _"Please leave me alone," Elsa replied finally.

Elsa ran and locked the door the second her father was gone. _Not gonna scream, not gonna scream. This is not fair. Staying in my room is fair. I hurt Anna. No itty bitty Christmas tree is _not_ fair. The tree would not care if I accidentally froze it. And I would clean up the needles shedding._ Something deep inside told Elsa that her request would have gotten turned down no matter what she said, but it still hurt. She was willing to stay in her room without making a big stink. She tried her hardest to control her powers, but…and then Elsa had a sick inkling of an answer. _I do _try_ to control it, but I always fail. Trying doesn't count. _"I'm a bad girl," she whispered sadly. "And I can't help it."

_I'm never asking for a tree or anything else big like that ever again,_ the little girl decided. Elsa knew her request would just get turned down again. If she didn't ask, then she wouldn't have to hear her request being turned down again.

* * *

On Christmas morning, Elsa awoke to her little sister's excited shrieks out in the hall. Elsa didn't get up; she just pulled the covers over her head.

"Elsaaa…I got a Christmas present for you! I'm stickin' it under the door, 'kay?" Anna shouted. "Well, I kinda made it, but yeah. It's for you. I love you!"

Elsa heard Anna's bouncy footsteps run off down the hall. _I want to see what Anna made for me,_ Elsa thought. She hopped out of bed and went over to the door. "A paper snowflake, Anna?!" she whispered incredulously. _I know Anna didn't know how to make those before…_ Elsa stared at the slightly lopsided paper snowflake on the floor; then at the folded note next to it. She picked them up and carefully unfolded the note. '_Dear Elsa, Merry Christmas! I'm dictating this letter to Gerda because my writing isn't good enough to write all this, but it's all MY words. Sorry the snowflake is kind of lopsided. I'm not too good with the scissors yet. I asked Gerda to show me how to make the paper snowflakes 'cause I found a crunched-up one out in the hall outside your room the other day. I'm pretty sure you made it and got rid of it. I don't know why, 'cause it was perfect after I unscrunched it. I miss you and I hope you feel better soon! I hope you like the snowflake! Love, Anna.'_ "Thank you, Anna. I miss you and love you, too," Elsa said softly as tears started trickling down her cheeks. _I wish I could tell Anna thank you…_

Elsa decided she would just concentrate on the nice thing her baby sister had done for her and nothing else.

That would have to be enough for now. _Thank you, Anna. I love you._

**A/N: The end.**

**I don't know why I wrote this; it's kind of depressing, especially since Elsa is only nine here...:/ Anyway, please let me know what you thought or if there is anything that I could make better.:)**

**This is MantaI-305Apollo'sChariot signing off for now, over and out!:)**


End file.
